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Every year, like Stuart Smalley, I look into the mirror and tell myself, "you're good enough, you're smart enough, and gosh darn it, you can make a fortune in Las Vegas." Inevitably, I finish the season with a 51 or 52 percent winning percentage. Of course, I couldn't even afford the buffet with those earnings.

It would probably be more productive to spend this time making sure that there really are 52 playing cards in a deck of cards or skimming the channels looking for a half-naked Kari Wuhrer to appear in a "made-for-Cinemax" movie, but here goes....

Picks appear in bold.

New Orleans (+6.5) at Indianapolis                                                                                                                                      From what I've seen so far, I like the Colts' defense even less than last year's unit. Without Boogar McFarland (could there be a less attractive nickname in all of sports? I keep waiting for Bill "Horse Crap" Johnson to make an appearance) clogging things up in the middle, I see a huge game for Deuce McAllister and Reggie Bush. Plus, I could see Indy losing a bit of their "fire" this year. Other than Peyton Manning, I get the feeling they're satisfied.

Kansas City at Houston (-2.5)                                                                                                                                                   With an absolutely decimated offensive line, the Chiefs could be in serious trouble (Wow, that's a lot of blatant hyperbole, huh? I'm beginning to sound a lot like Peter King). Mario Williams gets two sacks and responds by exclaiming, "Vince Who?".

Denver (-3) at Buffalo                                                                                                                                                                   I thought this was the easiest pick of the week....

Pittsburgh (-4.5) at Cleveland                                                                                                                                                 until I saw this one. If the Indians go deep into the playoffs, it will coincide with the beginning of the basketball season for LeBron and company. These "distractions" may be the only things keeping Browns' fans from plucking their eyeballs out with melon ball spoons.

Tennessee (+6.5) at Jacksonville                                                                                                                                        MUST.......REFRAIN.......FROM.......MAKING.......OVERUSED........PACMAN.......JOKES!!!!!!

Carolina at St. Louis (-1)                                                                                                                                                             Is there a more underrated fantasy football player than Marc Bulger? Not to mention the fact that his name would be a perfect porn screen name.

Philadelphia (-3) at Green Bay                                                                                                                                                 I've heard from a fairly reliable source that John Madden parks his Madden Cruiser in Brett Favre's backyard during the offseason. Huh, It didn't sound dirty when I typed it.

Atlanta at Minnesota (-3) Seriously, I can't think of the Falcons without thinking of those poor dogs. The whole thing makes me want to vomit.

Miami (+3) at Washington                                                                                                                                                        I've heard many of my colleagues claim that Washington will be a much better team this year. After carefully deliberating the Redskins' offseason moves, I have one question....WHY?!?!?!?!

New England (-6.5) at New York Jets                                                                                                                                        Do you think "The Sweater" has forgotten all of the talk about how the student beat the teacher last year. I wouldn't be surprised if he ran up the score on the Jets "Nebraska-style."

Tampa Bay at Seattle (-6) I keep trying to think of a eloquent way to describe the Bucs in 2007, but all I could come up with is: THEY WILL SUCK!

Chicago at San Diego (-5.5)                                                                                                                                                      Mr. Grossman, meet Mr. Merriman. Mr. Merriman, meet Mr. Grossman.

Detroit (+2) at Oakland                                                                                                                                                          Does anyone care? Really, Roger Goodell needs to prevent games like this from being scheduled. Even people in Detroit and Oakland don't want to watch this freakin' game!

New York Giants at Dallas (-6)                                                                                                                                                      I really don't know why everyone's so surprised about Tiki Barber's comments on Tom Coughlin and the negative effect he had on his career. From everything I've heard, he could suck the life force out of anything - just like those dementor thingies in the Harry Potter books.

Baltimore (+2.5) at Cincinnati                                                                                                                                      Remember, this game is being played on Monday night....which follows a weekend....where people tend to go out at night. I figure that's good for at least two or three Bengals spending a couple nights in the pokey. I don't think anyone has told them that "The Longest Yard" wasn't a documentary.

Arizona at San Francisco (-3) This game is a perfect example of the difference in popularity between football and the other sports. When a World Series game starts at 8:00 and doesn't finish until midnight, people complain. On the other hand, the NFL can schedule a much less important first week game at 10:20 Monday night, and people can't get enough. You've got some huge brass ones, Mr. Goodell.